The Times They Are A Changin’

I couldn’t do it any more. I’m leaving Brantford and heading back to Cambridge. I gave it a go, but the only thing it had going for it was $700 all inclusive for my apartment. People judge, but in my heart I know this move is the right call.

Things have been getting progressively worse with the downstairs tenant. More drunken outbursts. He was trash talking me to the neighbours, who would then approach me while I was out walking the dogs. He continues to blare is music. He took the light bulb out of the light on the back porch.

In addition to him, I was followed by a sketchy looking character on the trail while walking the dogs. That was terrifying. I had stopped and moved to the grass expecting him to walk past me. Instead he also stopped and paced back and fourth waiting for me to continue on. After about 15 minutes of waiting I called my mom, spoke loudly and ran home. My golden retriever has been attacked twice by two separate unleashed dogs on two separate occasions. The commute to and from work sucks. I’m not seeing my friends who are in Cambridge for the most part. I don’t have the time or drive to go to the gym after work knowing I have a 40 minute commute and dogs at home to walk. I feel anxious as soon as I get to Brantford. It takes everything in me to get out of my car and go inside.

The thing that solidified it though was Luke. I’ve been seeing him a fair bit lately. We’ve been meeting during the week at a parking lot to hang out in his car for a bit in Cambridge before he has to work. On the weekends I’ll go to his place after the kids are asleep or he’ll come to me. I was driving home from his place one night at 3:30 in the morning and it was a massive struggle to get home without falling asleep. When I was still in Cambridge it only took me 15 minutes to get home from his place. I could keep it together for 15 minutes. Now it’s taking 30 minutes. It’s a lot of extra gas I wasn’t anticipating on as well. I’m driving back into town after I’ve already left a couple times a week to meet him and then usually once on the weekend to his place. When I live in town he can just come over before work. It’s easier. I thought once I moved to Brantford that would be it for him and I. It wasn’t though.

So, I started looking for places. I found one and jumped on it but wasn’t 100% happy with it. A week later I found the perfect place. Reasonably priced, two bedroom loft. Plenty of room, modern, and energy efficient. The best part? Amazing location. It’s a 2 minute drive to work. I have to wait until October 14th to move but this place is worth the wait. I can be here for a long time and be happy here. I’m beyond excited.

Maybe I’ll actually unpack at this place.

Lukey Boy

I got a double dose of Luke last week. Visits had been sparse. His kids have had travel hockey every weekend and me living 30 minutes away isn’t helpful. As I was driving home from work on Friday he called though and asked if I wanted company.

He ended up coming over around 10pm and brought me iced coffee. I had just finished doing some serious cleaning as we was getting there so I left him to entertain himself while I showered. While I was in the shower he installed my window AC unit without me even asking him! Words can not describe how excited I was.

It’s Friday night, there’s a big, tall, bearded man lying in my bed wearing khaki shorts and a V Neck t-shirt with my kitten sleeping on his chest. Not only that, but he brought me iced coffee and installed my AC. It’s stupid, but I’m incredibly turned on.

Side note, I got a cat… well, a kitten. She’s all black, affectionate but a little ass kicker. I’ve named her Lucille… As in Negan’s bat Lucille… you know… from The Walking Dead. Luke, who isn’t a pet person loves her. He picks her up and carries her around. She fits in the palm of his hand. He kisses her, gives her love, calls her a him and says they’re best friends. It’s pretty entertaining.

We spent the night cuddle up in bed watching movies/tv shows. He does this thing where he puts his hand just inside the waist band of my undies and rests his hand on the top of my butt. He doesn’t know it, but it drives me nuts… good nuts.

The thing is though, that he slept over. He’s done it a few times when we start to get into relationship territory but then freaks himself out and backs off. It’s been awhile. Normally we end up falling asleep but then we wake up at 2 or 3 am and leave. I’m better at leaving than he is, but I think that’s just because he has kids sleeping in the next room when I’m there. As much as I’d love to meet his kids, I don’t think in their Father’s bed is the best way to go about that.

He slept over Friday night though, and wasn’t in a big rush to get out of there in the morning. I normally don’t sleep well when he’s there but I slept without issue. It was actually kind of nice.

I feel conflicted. The more I’m with him the more I want him. I have no urge to date any one else. I’m talking to a couple different people right now but I’d drop them all in a heart beat to be exclusive with Luke. He’s not emotionally available though. He changes his mind frequently. He wants me, but can’t commit…. but boy does he look good in my bed. If only I could keep him there.

Dating On Friday

I started a second blog! This one is specifically for all of the screenshots I take of the messages I get on dating sites. My friend’s and co workers find it pretty funny when I post them on Instagram so hopefully a broader audience will agree with them!

www.datingonfriday.wordpress.com

 

Check it out, tell your friends, laugh at my misfortune… I do!

Navigating The Dating World

I have a date tonight. It’s a second date with the gentleman I met for lunch a couple weeks ago. I’m working 12 to 9 today so we’re meeting up for a late movie. He agreed to go see Spiderman Homecoming even though he’s not a fan of superhero movies. I offered to see something else but he insisted.

I’m feeling a little guilty/conflicted. This guy is incredibly nice. He actually works at the same company as my step dad and knows him well. Small world. He’s fresh out of a marriage though. His wife left him a month ago. I know that I started dating a couple months after my former husband left, I started dating Luke actually, but I wasn’t ready and nothing materialized between us until a year later. I suppose everyone is different but when he says he’s ready I don’t buy it.

Then there’s my feelings to take into consideration. I’m not entirely attracted to this guy. I’m not sure if I could see myself being anything more than his friend. If I had to choose between him and Luke there wouldn’t even be a moment of thought put into it. It’s be Luke. I just look at Luke and I melt. It’s possible I could develop feelings over time… that’s how it was for my former husband. I was iffy on Luke to start too… but I was physically attracted to Luke and I settled when it came to my former husband.

Luke is unable to commit. I’m emotionally invested in Luke. I don’t think this guy is ready for a relationship. He might just need a distraction. So… is it ok to be that distraction? Is it ok to see where this goes? Or was it wrong of me to accept his offer of a second date? I need to see other people that aren’t Luke as I can sit around hoping and waiting that he’s going to realize I’m fucking amazing. I need to continue looking for someone who meets my needs and checks all my boxes. But I don’t think I’m willing to cut Luke loose just yet… at least not for this guy.

I don’t know how dating works, especially dating in 2017. If I’m not committed to anyone is it wrong to go out on dates with multiple people? How does this work?  I really don’t know how to navigate this. It’s just a movie right? Not a big deal right? If it’s not a big deal though than why do I feel so guilty?

My Weekend Was Better Than Yours

Friday

I took the day off work. Slept in, then picked my brother up around 11:30am and headed to Toronto. We stopped in at my friend’s place so I could give him money I owed him and then headed to the Eaton’s Center. We wander the mall, did some shopping, then drove to Yorkdale where we continued to shop and eat Chipotle Burritos. We followed this up with an Ed Sheeran concert. Great Day.

 

Saturday

Drove to my sister’s house to have a family BBQ to celebrate my brother’s 16th Birthday. I can’t believe that kid is 16. I’m so fucking old. Drove back to my new home city. Stopped in at EB games to preorder the new Southpark game and picked up dog food at a grocery store in the same plaza. Went to my Mom’s and played injustice 2 with my brother. Stopped at my place to feed and take out the dogs. Took my brother to see Wonder Woman. Solid Day.

 

Sunday

Slept in far later than I should have. Showered and then went to the mall to pick up a Pop Vinyl my brother had on hold for him. Picked my Brother up from work and then took him to his girl friend’s house to celebrate his birthday with her family. Went out with my Mom and she bought me a milk shake. We did charcoal face masks and painted our nails. I played injustice 2 and she fed me dinner. Then I drove back to Cambridge to hang out with Luke before he had to work. Watched part of Super Troopers in his car. Decent day.

 

Monday

I’m working 12-9 today and not a fan of it. I have a head ache and time is moving super slowly. I’m broke and tired but there’s gas in my car, food in my fridge, and I think Luke is coming over tomorrow morning before I work. Things could be worse.

Realizations From The Passenger Seat Of A Car That Isn’t Mine

I drove into Cambridge the other day to meet up with Luke for a bit before he had to head to work. I work in Cambridge, but it’s the half way point between where I currently live and where Luke works. It was last minute and I almost didn’t go. The point of this meet up was purely sexual and I’d just started my period. Ultimately though I do enjoy his company so I went.

There’s a trail that runs along the Grand River that starts on the edge of Galt. There’s a gravel parking lot there for those who are using the trail. As it turns out there isn’t any lighting in said parking lot. When you park your car in the back of the lot, close the the river, you can’t been seen from the street. We met there around 10. I parked beside him, shut my car off and climbed into the passenger side of his Ford Flex.

I remember when he got that car and I mocked him like nobody’s business because I thought they looked dumb. Now that I’ve actually spent time in one I have to say that it’s growing on me. It’s super spacious and nice inside. Not to mention that the sound system is so much better than Frankie’s. He was playing the new Childish Bambino album and I couldn’t believe how good it sounded. It was loud but you could still talk over it. It sounds crisp and clear. Being a music junkie and someone who will probably blow a speaker in her car at some point I was pretty envious.

The thing that really got me though was the picture of him and his three year old daughter behind the steering wheel. I know that he’s super involved in his kids’ lives but I’m pretty sure that little girl is his everything. He has them almost every weekend. He’s at all of the boys’ hockey games and tournaments no matter where they are. He’s protective of her though. He’s shown me pictures but when he talks about her it’s always “my daughter” or “my baby” where as when he talks about the boys he just calls them by name as if I’ve met them. I know he’s a good dad. If he’s not at work or playing hockey or with me he’s with the kids. He’s straight up told me that he literally has one friend who he doesn’t see often because he doesn’t have time. He’s a good dad.

The more time I spend with him and the more I learn about him the more I get attached. I don’t want to date. I don’t want to be on dating sites. I’m content to just hang out with him he has the time. He’s a commitmentphobe though. He gets attached and clingy and then catches himself and runs where I just follow his lead. I play things a little closer to the belt now but the truth is if he wanted something more serious I’d say yes without hesitation. I like being on my own. I like not sharing my bed. I like having my freedom. I also like him though and I also kind of want to meet his kids.

I’m setting myself up for failure and a broken heart. I have a lunch date scheduled for Monday but I already know I’m not interested. I already know there’s no future there. There can’t be if I’m falling in love with my emotionally unavailable, unable to commit, 6’3, beared, baseball hat and thick rimmed glasses wearing super dad, Luke. I’m so fucked.

 

This Is Why So Many Introverts End Up In Toxic Relationships — Thought Catalog

Unsplash / Matheus FerreroIntroverts end up in toxic relationships, because they’re capable of taking care of themselves. They don’t need anyone’s help to make money or to clean their apartment or to keep them entertained. But some introverts take this too far and think it’s okay that their partner isn’t around to wipe away their…

via This Is Why So Many Introverts End Up In Toxic Relationships — Thought Catalog

Keep Walking Dude.

19

 

My dogs are adorable. This isn’t an opinion, it’s a fact. People are constantly pointing and smiling as they pass by in their cars or stopping us to give them love when we are out for our daily walks. I get it. Swarley is a handsome boy. He’s a pure bread retriever which is one of the most popular dog breeds. Jersey is a retriever cross but she looks like a perma-puppy. Here’s the thing though, when I’m out for a walk with the dogs I don’t want to talk to you. I don’t want to stop and let you love up on my dogs, as much as I know they would appreciate your affection.

I’ve just gotten home from work. I’m tired and hungry and probably have to pee. I’ve just sat in my car for 45 min to an hour depending on traffic. I’m still wearing my business casual clothing. I’m not wearing the proper  shoes for a walk. As soon as I open the door to my apartment Swarley barks in excitement and Jersey starts to whine and cry and howl. It’s painful to listen to.  There isn’t time to change my shoes let alone clothes or pee or grab a snack. Rain or shine, the first thing I do is take the dogs for a walk.

They’ve been cooped up in the apartment all day. They need to pee, they’re excited and balls of energy. Jersey, being only a year, gets so excited to be out that she’s too excited to do her business. Some times after a 30 minute walk she’ll still come home and pee or poop at the front door much to my dismay. Walking two strong dogs can be a challenge. My leash that fastens around my hips is a life saver but they still pull. Cleaning up dog poop while Jersey lunges at nothing because she’s eager to explore is not a fun experience. Swarley wants to sniff at and pee on EVERYTHING. Sometimes he’ll lie down in the grass and refuse to move if he decides he needs more time with a particular spot. Sometimes I feel like we’re stopping more often than we’re walking.

On top of all of that, factor in my anxiety. You know, that thing I take pills for every day? A couple weeks ago we were attacked by a much bigger unleashed dog. I still have a bruise on my leg from the incident. I live on a busy street. Trying to cross it to get to the trail that runs parallel to the stream across from me can be tricky with two excited pups.  Five minutes in we’re usually okay. They’ve gotten over the initial excitement. By the time we’ve gotten to the bridge we cross to get home they’ve stopped pulling and are pretty calm. That’s when we’re back on the street.

Usually this when people stop us. I don’t want to be rude, but I really don’t want to talk to you. I’m tired. My hips and waist hurt from the dogs pulling. I’m hot and sticky and really really really need to pee. I don’t want to be polite. I just want to go home and feed the dogs so I can shower and change and feed myself. My dogs are huggers and Jersey still jumps. (I’m working on it) I don’t want to struggle to control them or apologize for their muddy paws on your clothes.

I know, I’m a huge hypocrite. When a co worker brings their dog into work I get so excited. If I see another golden retriever on the street I’ll strike up a conversation and love up the dog. I’m a sucker for goldens. Just because I love my dogs though doesn’t mean I love all dogs and I most certainly don’t love people. I know, I’m a horrible person, a monster even. Please though, if you see me out with the dogs on a week night, pretend you didn’t.

I’m still adjusting to life on my own as a divorced independent human. It’s stressful, especially with a puppy that is full of sass and attitude who is no where near as easy to train as your 5 year old male retriever was. I’m doing the best I can though. I love my freedom, my independence, my new life, my dogs. It takes a lot of work, but it’s worth it. One day they’ll be easier to walk and perfectly behaved. But until that day comes if the drug abusing needle user down the street could not come up to us on our way home and the douche on the corner could keep his aggressive dog on a leash that would be great.

 

Late.

Last week I made fun of our GM, something I do on the regular, for saying ‘Hold Your Horses’ and sounding like a Dad. He and his wife welcomed their first born a couple months ago. He’s a lot like me in the sense that he pretends not to care, is super sarcastic, and too cool for his own good. He takes sounding like a Dad as an insult because it means he’s loosing his edge.

His response was to tell me to just watch because I’ll have a kid of my own soon. I tell him not to jinx me. Not many know that I desperately want to be a mom and am contemplating donor sperm and an iui. This in turn leads to a conversation about deleting my plenty of fish account and joining a club of sorts to meet a decent guy that’s husband/father material. We even changed my relationship status from divorced to single in hopes of attracting the right kind of guy and less of the ones that send me repulsive trash I post on my Instagram. As it turns out, a lot of people are living vicariously through my dating life, my GM included. I guess that’s what happens when you’re one of the only single ones left out of the people you associate with.

My period was late for the first time since I’d started having regular cycles. I normally spot on CD27 and get full flow the next day. The possibility that I was carrying Luke’s illegitimate love child filled me with panic. How is it that my GM makes a joke about me having a kid and a week later my period is late? Not cool GM. Not cool at all.

I felt so conflicted. On one hand, I want a baby. I want to be a mom. I don’t necessarily want to have a baby with someone who doesn’t want one though… or someone who doesn’t want to be in a committed relationship. The thing with Luke is that he’s not seeing or sleeping with someone else. He likes to cuddle and hang out and fool around. He also likes the freedom to do what he wants when he wants. When he thinks he’s going to loose me he gets clingy but when he realizes he’s getting too close to boyfriend territory he freaks out and pulls away.

My period is late. I’m getting weird twinges/pains on my left side, I’m incredibly tired and worn out. How could I tell him I’m having his unwanted kid? He already has three. It’s not like this one is suddenly going to make him want to commit to me. I don’t want to be a part time parent. I’m not sending my kid away every other weekend. I’m not sharing holidays or custody. I’m freaking out.

I start spotting yesterday evening. Today is CD1. I’m not pregnant. I’m crampy and super tired. I cried. As ideal as the situation wouldn’t have been, for 48 hours I thought I was going to be a mom. You panic, but then I assume you get used to the idea, you tell people and rip the band-aid off and then you get excited right? Now that I know it’s not happening I’m upset and disappointed. When I was actively trying I didn’t have regular cycles. I bled all the time so I never really thought there was a chance I’d be pregnant. I’d never experienced a real  two week wait. I’d never gotten my hopes up and had them shatter on the bathroom floor as I reached for the box of tampons.

I said I was giving myself the summer. I plan to stick with it. I guess it just would have been nice to have those plans ruined kind of how life ruins all of my other plans.