Luke and I go hot and cold on the regular. It usually revolves on his schedule with the kids and whether or not he’s gotten cold feet when it comes to whatever it is we are or aren’t. That, and he’s awful at responding to messages. We’d been on a hot streak for awhile, the longest we’d ever been on. I had thought that moving to Brantford would have been the nail in the coffin, so to speak, but it seems to have had a reverse affect on us.
Since mid June we’ve been together at least once a week. Come mid July if I’m only with him once that week it’s a slow week. He messages more frequently, we speak regularly. I’ve been waiting for the other shoe to drop. Summer is coming to a close and I fully anticipated things to start cooling off with us as well. The kids are heading back to school, hockey season will be starting back up, he’s going to realize I’ve become attached and he’s going to panic.
So when I hadn’t heard from him for a few days I tried to tell myself that I knew this was coming. The last time we had a cool off period, back in April, I had thought that was it. I had even started a new relationship, which only lasted for five minutes, but sure enough Luke came back three weeks later. I can’t resist him. He decides he doesn’t want me or the responsibilities that come with being in a relationship and runs. Then he misses me and comes back. We’ve never been in a relationship though, at least not officially, so I can’t really hold it against him.
It’s different this time around though. It takes actual effort to get together with there being distance now. He genuinely seems excited for my move back to Cambridge. It felt like things were moving in the direction I was hoping for. I didn’t see him last weekend like I thought I would have. We exchanged a quick text on Monday about the trailer for a movie coming out but that was all the communication we had for the week…. until Thursday.
Dating is a game, one that I’m not very good at. I don’t like playing hard to get or acting like I don’t give a fuck when I do. If you let it show that you’re too invested though it could set you back. He scares easy. So, we take things slow and I let him call the shots. I try not to get my hopes up. I try not to think 5 steps ahead, try being the operative word here.
I made plans with my best friend, we’ll call her Hermione. I’ve enrolled in a weight loss challenge that starts on Tuesday. I needed her to take my before pics to submit and she invited me along with her husband for sushi dinner at our favorite place. One of the many great things about Hermione is that she prefers to drive, which means my broke ass can leave my car at her place and save the gas. As the three of us are sitting at dinner, (Hermione, her husband Ron, and myself) I start getting texts from Luke. In normal Luke fashion it takes an hour to have one small conversation.
Luke: How’s it going
Me: Good thanks. Yourself
Luke: Pretty Chill
Me: 18 degrees will do that
Luke: Not that kinda chill
Me: I like sweater weather
Luke: This is my favorite time of the year
Me: Me too. I’m itching to pull my boots out.
Me: I live for autumn
Luke: I was gonna see if you wanted to meet up
Me: Oh yeah?
Luke: But I feel asleep lol
Luke: Would you have water to
Me: Yeah… last time I checked I still liked you lol
Luke: Well you could come here if yiu want
Luke: I have to leave for work at 10:30
Me: I’m third wheeling it at sushi with Rose and her husband
Me: I might be able to make it around 9/9:30. I can keep you posted otherwise maybe you can fit me in over the weekend
Luke: Yeah come over
Luke: I’m gonna go to sleep until you get here
Me: No promises, I’ll message when I get back to my car in Cambridge. We’re still eating
Luke: Ohhhhh ok
Luke: I won’t go to sleep then
Me: It’s cool, go to sleep, I’ll call
Luke: I won’t wake up! 😦
Me: Leave your door unlocked
Me: I got you
Luke: Your the best!
Me: As long as you know it! 😉
I’m trying. I’m playing the game. Waiting for him to message. Letting him come to me. I fucking hate the game. I get the vibe he’s still a little unsure if I’m actually into him. I am, if I come out and say that though whose to say he wouldn’t run? I’d go facebook official with Luke. I’d meet his kids. I’d let him meet my friends. I need him to take the lead though and show me it’s different this time. I need him to tell me he’s in it. I’m wondering if he’s wanting the same from me.
So I get there around 9:10pm and let myself in as I usually do. I stop off at his washroom first as I drink my weight in water any time I eat out, the head for the bedroom. I rund my hand up his leg as I head to my side of the bed and say Hi in a cute quiet voice. I tell him to shove over as he’s in the middle of the bed and to share his blankets as it’s cold outside. I’m wearing a shorter skirt and it’s now dropped to 9 degrees Celsius outside. I’m frozen. I crawl into his bed and cuddle into him for a bit.
Cuddling leads to other things. We don’t have sex all that often. We cuddle, we fool around, we do other stuff. He stops me though and tells me to take of my pants.
Me: Umm, I’m not wearing pants, thanks
Luke: Then take off whatever the fuck it is you’re wearing
That turns me on like no bodies business. I love when I guy can be assertive. He tends to be pretty shy and a little unsure of himself so this is a big deal for him. Especially because he knows it’s what I like.
We have sex. Decent sex. I’m on top and I don’t necessarily like being on top. I don’t know what I’m doing, I feel gross and unattractive, I feel self conscious and awkward to start. I complain a bit and feel uneasy at first but I give in and do what I’m asked. He knows what he’s doing. He’ll push me up and thrust, or put his arms under my legs/knees to get better leverage. I push my hands against the old barn door he uses as a headboard to keep my balance and stop it from banging against the wall. It’s not perfect, hot and steamy, porn sex. It has some awkward moments we struggle through, being two self conscious people, but it’s real, and that makes it good.
When we finish he tells me he’ll be back in two minutes, puts on an episode of Rick and Morty for me and heads to the shower. Rick and Morty? Seriosuly? I think I’m in love. I didn’t even ask. He’s never even seen the show, just knows I like it. When the episode finishes he needs to get ready for work so I slide off the bed and go to head out the door. He stops me and starts rambling.
Luke: I don’t know what I’m doing this weekend.
Luke: Maybe tomorrow
Me: For what? What are you talking about?
Luke: To hang out. I don’t know what I’m doing this weekend, I’m probably good to see you tomorrow though.
Me: Ohhh ok. Cool, sounds good.
I put my hand on his chest, tell him to have fun at work and then leave. I text Rose.
Me: Not only did he fuck me but he put on Rick and Morty for me while he showered
Hermione: lol romantic.
Me: In my world it totally is. It was good sex too
Hermione: That’s good. lol
Me: I like this one Rose
Hermione: I know.
Me: It’s kind of terrifying, I think it might destroy me when he’s done with me
I’m trying to take things day by day. I’m trying to let us both get comfortable and see how it goes. My therapist advised that I not try and think five steps ahead and try to live in the moment for a bit. See how things go and reevaluate after I’ve moved and am settled. I’m trying, but it’s hard. I’m invested. I care about him. I’m falling for him. I want more but I don’t what to loose what I have. It’s scary stuff. I really don’t get how people manage to do it. I really don’t.