Ugh

I’ve gone on two “dates” with a guy from Pof. I don’t think I’m feeling it. 

The first date went well. The second date was meh. It was late and I was tired. We just drove around and sat in his car. He complained about things a lot. His mom… who he lives with, past relationships. As he was complaining I found that I wasn’t on his side of the argument for anything. For the most it just seemed like he was bitter about a lot of things that didn’t really seem all that important. His mom not making his birthday cake, a girlfriend wanting to bring her dog with her places, another girlfriend not paying for dates… 

So now I need to ask myself… am I genuinely not interested or was I just tired from working 2 jobs in one day, agetated because I hadn’t eaten yet that day and didn’t have the chance too, or am I not giving him a fair chance because he’s not Luke. 

I don’t really know what to do. If given the choice in this very moment I think I’d rather be Luke’s fwb than this guy’s girlfriend. But then I haven’t spoken to Luke in s week and I really fucking miss him. 

I’m such a mess. 

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You Know What Thought Did

Things have been going well with Luke. My move is coming up in a month. My car is officially fixed. I started my part time seasonal job at the Halloween store. Life is busy, but I’m hanging in there. I’m really just trying to make it to November. Then something unexpected happened.

Luke and I don’t often have sex. We fool around a lot, but actual sex is rare. You can’t have sex in the car and it’s not ideal when his kids are sleeping in the next room. We haven’t been spending time at my place due to schedules and distance. A couple weeks ago though he invited me over to his place before he had work. It’s rare when I’m a his place and there aren’t kids there too. When he stopped me mid bj to “sit on his dick” it took me by surprise.

Side Note: I’m not a fan of being on top. I feel awkward and I don’t know what I’m doing. Plus it’s not a flattering angle for him to be looking at me. Maybe after I loose a little more weight it’ll be different. 

Fast forward a bit and I’m feeling off. I’m exhausted all the time but can’t sleep at night and am super restless. My skin, which is usually dry, is oily all the time and my face is breaking out. My cervical mucus and position are pointing towards me being pregnant. I’m panicking. I want a baby, but not right now. I don’t necessarily need to be married but I wanted to be in a long term relationship. I wanted the possible father to be just as excited as I was. I wanted to be settled and stable. Things were just starting to get good with Luke. This wasn’t going to help.

The more I thought about it though the more the idea grew on me. I started to think maybe I’d be ok. Sure, it wasn’t ideal, but is anything ever ideal? Then this morning around 11:30am I noticed I had started to spot when I wiped. In that very moment my heart dropped. I instantly started bawling, right there on the toilet in the ladies washroom at work with my pants around my ankles.

It’s funny, because when it was a possibility i was terrified and now that it’s now I was a wreck and heart broken. I had gone through infertility with my former husband and not once did I ever feel this upset. This was worse than miscarrying two years ago. This was worse than my husband leaving me. That rose coloured spot on my toilet paper destroyed me and I don’t know why. We practice safe sex, the probability of me actually being pregnant is slim. I should be feeling relieved, not destroyed.

So what do I do now? I’m at work, it’s not even lunch time yet and I still have a shift at my part time job to get through. My makeup is smearing down my face and I just can’t even. My solution was to pull it together, take me ‘lunch’ and drive down the street and get my nose pierced and then drink the Java Monster energy drink my sales manager bought me.

It’s not the right time. It’s not what I wanted for myself right now and it’s definitely not what Luke wants for himself right now. Until today I wasn’t even sure if I actually wanted a child anymore. I had thought that maybe my dog and cat were enough. I plan to continue taking my birth control pill. This shouldn’t be a big deal, but it was, it is.  I’m going to need to figure out how to deal with this because I can’t keep putting holes in my face every time I get my period. I thought I knew what I wanted. I thought I had my shit figured out. Apparently not. Once and infertile always an infertile.

 

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You’re Hot and You’re Cold You’re Yes And You’re No You’re In And You’re Out You’re Up And You’re Down

Luke and I go hot and cold on the regular. It usually revolves on his schedule with the kids and whether or not he’s gotten cold feet when it comes to whatever it is we are or aren’t. That, and he’s awful at responding to messages. We’d been on a hot streak for awhile, the longest we’d ever been on. I had thought that moving to Brantford would have been the nail in the coffin, so to speak, but it seems to have had a reverse affect on us.

Since mid June we’ve been together at least once a week. Come mid July if I’m only with him once that week it’s a slow week. He messages more frequently, we speak regularly. I’ve been waiting for the other shoe to drop. Summer is coming to a close and I fully anticipated things to start cooling off with us as well. The kids are heading back to school, hockey season will be starting back up, he’s going to realize I’ve become attached and he’s going to panic.

So when I hadn’t heard from him for a few days I tried to tell myself that I knew this was coming. The last time we had a cool off period, back in April, I had thought that was it. I had even started a new relationship, which only lasted for five minutes, but sure enough Luke came back three weeks later. I can’t resist him. He decides he doesn’t want me or the responsibilities that come with being in a relationship and runs. Then he misses me and comes back. We’ve never been in a relationship though, at least not officially, so I can’t really hold it against him.

It’s different this time around though. It takes actual effort to get together with there being distance now. He genuinely seems excited for my move back to Cambridge. It felt like things were moving in the direction I was hoping for. I didn’t see him last weekend like I thought I would have. We exchanged a quick text on Monday about the trailer for a movie coming out but that was all the communication we had for the week…. until Thursday.

Dating is a game, one that I’m not very good at. I don’t like playing hard to get or acting like I don’t give a fuck when I do. If you let it show that you’re too invested though it could set you back. He scares easy. So, we take things slow and I let him call the shots. I try not to get my hopes up. I try not to think 5 steps ahead, try being the operative word here.

I made plans with my best friend, we’ll call her Hermione. I’ve enrolled in a weight loss challenge that starts on Tuesday. I needed her to take my before pics to submit and she invited me along with her husband for sushi dinner at our favorite place. One of the many great things about Hermione is that she prefers to drive, which means my broke ass can leave my car at her place and save the gas. As the three of us are sitting at dinner, (Hermione, her husband Ron, and myself) I start getting texts from Luke. In normal Luke fashion it takes an hour to have one small conversation.

Luke: Hey

Me: Hi

Luke: How’s it going

Me: Good thanks. Yourself

Luke: Pretty Chill

Me: 18 degrees will do that

Luke: Not that kinda chill

Me: I like sweater weather

Luke: This is my favorite time of the year

Me: Me too. I’m itching to pull my boots out.

Me: I live for autumn

Luke: I was gonna see if you wanted to meet up

Me: Oh yeah?

Luke: But I feel asleep lol

Me: lol

Luke: Yeah

Luke: Would you have water to 

Me: Yeah… last time I checked I still liked you lol

Luke: lol

Luke: Well you could come here if yiu want

Luke: I have to leave for work at 10:30

Me: I’m third wheeling it at sushi with Rose and her husband

Luke: Ohhhhhh

Me: I might be able to make it around 9/9:30. I can keep you posted otherwise maybe you can fit me in over the weekend

Luke: Yeah come over

Luke: I’m gonna go to sleep until you get here

Me: No promises, I’ll message when I get back to my car in Cambridge. We’re still eating

Luke: Ohhhhh ok

Me: Yeahhhhhhh

Luke: I won’t go to sleep then

Me: It’s cool, go to sleep, I’ll call

Luke: I won’t wake up! 😦

Me: Leave your door unlocked

Me: I got you

Luke: Your the best!

Me: As long as you know it! 😉

I’m trying. I’m playing the game. Waiting for him to message. Letting him come to me. I fucking hate the game. I get the vibe he’s still a little unsure if I’m actually into him. I am, if I come out and say that though whose to say he wouldn’t run? I’d go facebook official with Luke. I’d meet his kids. I’d let him meet my friends. I need him to take the lead though and show me it’s different this time. I need him to tell me he’s in it. I’m wondering if he’s wanting the same from me.

So I get there around 9:10pm and let myself in as I usually do. I stop off at his washroom first as I drink my weight in water any time I eat out, the head for the bedroom. I rund my hand up his leg as I head to my side of the bed and say Hi in a cute quiet voice. I tell him to shove over as he’s in the middle of the bed and to share his blankets as it’s cold outside. I’m wearing a shorter skirt and it’s now dropped to 9 degrees Celsius outside. I’m frozen. I crawl into his bed and cuddle into him for a bit.

Cuddling leads to other things. We don’t have sex all that often. We cuddle, we fool around, we do other stuff. He stops me though and tells me to take of my pants.

Me: Umm, I’m not wearing pants, thanks

Luke: Then take off whatever the fuck it is you’re wearing

That turns me on like no bodies business. I love when I guy can be assertive. He tends to be pretty shy and a little unsure of himself so this is a big deal for him. Especially because he knows it’s what I like.

We have sex. Decent sex. I’m on top and I don’t necessarily like being on top. I don’t know what I’m doing, I feel gross and unattractive, I feel self conscious and awkward to start. I complain a bit and feel uneasy at first but I give in and do what I’m asked. He knows what he’s doing. He’ll push me up and thrust, or put his arms under my legs/knees to get better leverage. I push my hands against the old barn door he uses as a headboard to keep my balance and stop it from banging against the wall.  It’s not perfect, hot and steamy, porn sex. It has some awkward moments we struggle through, being two self conscious people, but it’s real, and that makes it good.

When we finish he tells me he’ll be back in two minutes, puts on an episode of Rick and Morty for me and heads to the shower. Rick and Morty? Seriosuly? I think I’m in love. I didn’t even ask. He’s never even seen the show, just knows I like it. When the episode finishes he needs to get ready for work so I slide off the bed and go to head out the door. He stops me and starts rambling.

Luke: I don’t know what I’m doing this weekend.

Me: Okay 

Luke: Maybe tomorrow

Me: For what? What are you talking about?

Luke: To hang out. I don’t know what I’m doing this weekend, I’m probably good to see you tomorrow though. 

Me: Ohhh ok. Cool, sounds good. 

 

I put my hand on his chest, tell him to have fun at work and then leave. I text Rose.

 

Me: Not only did he fuck me but he put on Rick and Morty for me while he showered

Hermione: lol romantic.

Me: In my world it totally is. It was good sex too

Hermione: That’s good. lol

Me: I like this one Rose

Hermione: I know. 

Me: It’s kind of terrifying, I think it might destroy me when he’s done with me

I’m trying to take things day by day. I’m trying to let us both get comfortable and see how it goes. My therapist advised that I not try and think five steps ahead and try to live in the moment for a bit. See how things go and reevaluate after I’ve moved and am settled. I’m trying, but it’s hard. I’m invested. I care about him. I’m falling for him. I want more but I don’t what to loose what I have. It’s scary stuff. I really don’t get how people manage to do it. I really don’t.

 

 

 

 

So lonesome I could die…

Sometimes at night when I’m lying in bed before I fall asleep this terrible feeling washes over me. I feel anxious and sad and panicked. I start feeling like my life is out of control and I’m fucking everything up. I get scared because I don’t know what I’m doing or if I’m making the right life choices. I’m on my own. All by myself, all the time. It’s terrifying.

I realized last night it’s because I’m lonely. Until my ex left I’d never truly been on my own. I’d always had roommates or lived with family. When I was still in the town house I had my sister and her kids with me for a bit. When I lived on Berkley I was too busy to be lonely.  I was working two jobs for awhile there. I was at the gym regularly. I was out with my sister and her kids or with Tara. Luke was over a couple nights a week.

It’t strange to realize you’re feeling something you’ve never felt before, especially when it’s not something you’d like to continue feeling. Going to bed alone at night is awful. For four years I fell asleep next to Jeff. We cuddled and rubbed each other’s backs before bed. There’s no one to rub my back before bed any more. It’s a complicated feeling. It’s like physical and emotional pain all at once with no explanation. My stomach feels knotted and I feel panicked and sad and worthless.

The first few times Luke slept over it felt weird and foreign. Now I sleep better when he’s next to me. Unfortunately that isn’t an option the majority of the time. We work opposite shifts and he often has his kids on the weekends… and we’re technically not in a relationship. We shouldn’t be having sleep overs at all… things progress though and I think that’s what’s happening here. He always comes back. He always dives in deeper every time, takes on a little more.

There’s a country song that Bobby from King of the Hill listens to on repeat when Connie breaks up with him or something… something about being so lonesome I could die. I always thought it was a bit dramatic, even for a country song… but I get it. When I’m alone in bed at night with a queen sized bed to myself I legit feel so lonely I could die. I wonder if death would be better than feeling like this.  It only lasts an hour or two and then I fall asleep, get up the next morning and rush to get ready, get to work, and start my day. But those last couple hours are the worst. I’m not sure how much longer I can keep this going.

 

Good Bye My Sweet Girl

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I made the difficult decision to rehome Jersey. I adore her. She’s smart, quirky, and adorable. I was having a boat load of anxiety though that was directly connected to her and what was best for my little family.

Since moving into our new place it’s been a constant struggle. She doesn’t want to be crated. If she’s not crated she destroys the house. She’s torn apart garbage bags and cans, she’s eaten adorable pairs of undies, expensive high quality makeup, shredded shoes. She howls like she’s being murdered when she know’s I’m home. She gets stubborn and refuses to listen. We walk every day for 25-45 minutes. She’s itching to get out there. If she had her way she’d never come in. She pulls and lunges while on her leash. I bought one of those special leashes that wrap around your waist to make frequent and longer walks possible. She’s be so excited to be outside that she’s refuse to do her business and then do it on the floor as soon as we got home.

The downstairs tenant was constantly passing judgement on my little black dog. It seemed that what ever I tried to make things better wasn’t enough, for both Jersey and I. She’s needy and incredibly active. I no longer had the space to let her run and our daily walk wasn’t cutting it. I’m home less than I was before which means she’s crated which makes things even worse.

Swarley can handle apartment life. He was brought home to an apartment. Swarley is lazy and more than good with one walk a day. When taken to friend’s or family’s houses with back yards Swarley sits with the humans where Jersey runs and plays. She needed more than I could give her and I needed less responsibility.

Two active dogs and one girl is a lot. One person and one income to care for them. I’m anal about getting them their shots on time and caring for them properly. Going from one dog to two cuts the expenses in half and if I need anything right now it’s to save money. Plus If I were to spend the night in Toronto or at Lukes it’s a lot easier to get help with one 5 year old well behaved Golden Retriever than two dogs. Boarding one dog is cheaper than two.

I wasn’t enjoying her anymore, I was constantly worrying about what to do with her. How do I meet her needs and continue to work and pay bills and live life? I went back and fourth on the decision for a couple months. I’d sit in bed and cry while holding her because I didn’t know what to do. I was failing her.

Finally I bit the bullet and decided it was time. I contacted a rescue but it didn’t go well. The home they set up for me fell through and dealing with the woman in charge wasn’t easy. When they seemingly perfect family backed out I had my mom post an ad on kijiji. If my mom did it I couldn’t change my mind of ignore the e-mails. The ad went up Friday night and by Sunday morning Jersey was meeting her new family in a grocery store parking lot.

They seem amazing. Huge animal lovers, fenced in back yard and close to two dog parks. Two kids under three. They hike every Sunday. The wife is a stay at home mom which means it’ll be rare when Jersey would be left alone. This is what she needed. I relunctantly handed over my girl and headed back to my car, sunglasses hiding the tears welling up in my eyes. I got back to my car and sobbed. Straight up ugly girl cried. It was brutal.

I had anticipated lying in bed and wallowing in my sadness until I got the following text.

dan

He had no idea I’d just sent away my girl. No idea that I needed this like nobody’s business. Even if I wasn’t upset, sex, ice cream, and naps are three of the greatest things ever and he incorporated all three in one text message! If that doesn’t make him a keeper I don’t know what does.

I’ve gotten a few updates on my sweet girl and  she’s adjusting amazingly. They adore her already and I feel a little more at ease with my choice. She’s happy, well loved, and well cared for. That’s the main thing right? I’m not going to lie though, I’m really going to miss my Jersey girl

The Times They Are A Changin’

I couldn’t do it any more. I’m leaving Brantford and heading back to Cambridge. I gave it a go, but the only thing it had going for it was $700 all inclusive for my apartment. People judge, but in my heart I know this move is the right call.

Things have been getting progressively worse with the downstairs tenant. More drunken outbursts. He was trash talking me to the neighbours, who would then approach me while I was out walking the dogs. He continues to blare is music. He took the light bulb out of the light on the back porch.

In addition to him, I was followed by a sketchy looking character on the trail while walking the dogs. That was terrifying. I had stopped and moved to the grass expecting him to walk past me. Instead he also stopped and paced back and fourth waiting for me to continue on. After about 15 minutes of waiting I called my mom, spoke loudly and ran home. My golden retriever has been attacked twice by two separate unleashed dogs on two separate occasions. The commute to and from work sucks. I’m not seeing my friends who are in Cambridge for the most part. I don’t have the time or drive to go to the gym after work knowing I have a 40 minute commute and dogs at home to walk. I feel anxious as soon as I get to Brantford. It takes everything in me to get out of my car and go inside.

The thing that solidified it though was Luke. I’ve been seeing him a fair bit lately. We’ve been meeting during the week at a parking lot to hang out in his car for a bit in Cambridge before he has to work. On the weekends I’ll go to his place after the kids are asleep or he’ll come to me. I was driving home from his place one night at 3:30 in the morning and it was a massive struggle to get home without falling asleep. When I was still in Cambridge it only took me 15 minutes to get home from his place. I could keep it together for 15 minutes. Now it’s taking 30 minutes. It’s a lot of extra gas I wasn’t anticipating on as well. I’m driving back into town after I’ve already left a couple times a week to meet him and then usually once on the weekend to his place. When I live in town he can just come over before work. It’s easier. I thought once I moved to Brantford that would be it for him and I. It wasn’t though.

So, I started looking for places. I found one and jumped on it but wasn’t 100% happy with it. A week later I found the perfect place. Reasonably priced, two bedroom loft. Plenty of room, modern, and energy efficient. The best part? Amazing location. It’s a 2 minute drive to work. I have to wait until October 14th to move but this place is worth the wait. I can be here for a long time and be happy here. I’m beyond excited.

Maybe I’ll actually unpack at this place.

Lukey Boy

I got a double dose of Luke last week. Visits had been sparse. His kids have had travel hockey every weekend and me living 30 minutes away isn’t helpful. As I was driving home from work on Friday he called though and asked if I wanted company.

He ended up coming over around 10pm and brought me iced coffee. I had just finished doing some serious cleaning as we was getting there so I left him to entertain himself while I showered. While I was in the shower he installed my window AC unit without me even asking him! Words can not describe how excited I was.

It’s Friday night, there’s a big, tall, bearded man lying in my bed wearing khaki shorts and a V Neck t-shirt with my kitten sleeping on his chest. Not only that, but he brought me iced coffee and installed my AC. It’s stupid, but I’m incredibly turned on.

Side note, I got a cat… well, a kitten. She’s all black, affectionate but a little ass kicker. I’ve named her Lucille… As in Negan’s bat Lucille… you know… from The Walking Dead. Luke, who isn’t a pet person loves her. He picks her up and carries her around. She fits in the palm of his hand. He kisses her, gives her love, calls her a him and says they’re best friends. It’s pretty entertaining.

We spent the night cuddle up in bed watching movies/tv shows. He does this thing where he puts his hand just inside the waist band of my undies and rests his hand on the top of my butt. He doesn’t know it, but it drives me nuts… good nuts.

The thing is though, that he slept over. He’s done it a few times when we start to get into relationship territory but then freaks himself out and backs off. It’s been awhile. Normally we end up falling asleep but then we wake up at 2 or 3 am and leave. I’m better at leaving than he is, but I think that’s just because he has kids sleeping in the next room when I’m there. As much as I’d love to meet his kids, I don’t think in their Father’s bed is the best way to go about that.

He slept over Friday night though, and wasn’t in a big rush to get out of there in the morning. I normally don’t sleep well when he’s there but I slept without issue. It was actually kind of nice.

I feel conflicted. The more I’m with him the more I want him. I have no urge to date any one else. I’m talking to a couple different people right now but I’d drop them all in a heart beat to be exclusive with Luke. He’s not emotionally available though. He changes his mind frequently. He wants me, but can’t commit…. but boy does he look good in my bed. If only I could keep him there.

Dating On Friday

I started a second blog! This one is specifically for all of the screenshots I take of the messages I get on dating sites. My friend’s and co workers find it pretty funny when I post them on Instagram so hopefully a broader audience will agree with them!

www.datingonfriday.wordpress.com

 

Check it out, tell your friends, laugh at my misfortune… I do!