You Know What Thought Did

Things have been going well with Luke. My move is coming up in a month. My car is officially fixed. I started my part time seasonal job at the Halloween store. Life is busy, but I’m hanging in there. I’m really just trying to make it to November. Then something unexpected happened.

Luke and I don’t often have sex. We fool around a lot, but actual sex is rare. You can’t have sex in the car and it’s not ideal when his kids are sleeping in the next room. We haven’t been spending time at my place due to schedules and distance. A couple weeks ago though he invited me over to his place before he had work. It’s rare when I’m a his place and there aren’t kids there too. When he stopped me mid bj to “sit on his dick” it took me by surprise.

Side Note: I’m not a fan of being on top. I feel awkward and I don’t know what I’m doing. Plus it’s not a flattering angle for him to be looking at me. Maybe after I loose a little more weight it’ll be different. 

Fast forward a bit and I’m feeling off. I’m exhausted all the time but can’t sleep at night and am super restless. My skin, which is usually dry, is oily all the time and my face is breaking out. My cervical mucus and position are pointing towards me being pregnant. I’m panicking. I want a baby, but not right now. I don’t necessarily need to be married but I wanted to be in a long term relationship. I wanted the possible father to be just as excited as I was. I wanted to be settled and stable. Things were just starting to get good with Luke. This wasn’t going to help.

The more I thought about it though the more the idea grew on me. I started to think maybe I’d be ok. Sure, it wasn’t ideal, but is anything ever ideal? Then this morning around 11:30am I noticed I had started to spot when I wiped. In that very moment my heart dropped. I instantly started bawling, right there on the toilet in the ladies washroom at work with my pants around my ankles.

It’s funny, because when it was a possibility i was terrified and now that it’s now I was a wreck and heart broken. I had gone through infertility with my former husband and not once did I ever feel this upset. This was worse than miscarrying two years ago. This was worse than my husband leaving me. That rose coloured spot on my toilet paper destroyed me and I don’t know why. We practice safe sex, the probability of me actually being pregnant is slim. I should be feeling relieved, not destroyed.

So what do I do now? I’m at work, it’s not even lunch time yet and I still have a shift at my part time job to get through. My makeup is smearing down my face and I just can’t even. My solution was to pull it together, take me ‘lunch’ and drive down the street and get my nose pierced and then drink the Java Monster energy drink my sales manager bought me.

It’s not the right time. It’s not what I wanted for myself right now and it’s definitely not what Luke wants for himself right now. Until today I wasn’t even sure if I actually wanted a child anymore. I had thought that maybe my dog and cat were enough. I plan to continue taking my birth control pill. This shouldn’t be a big deal, but it was, it is.  I’m going to need to figure out how to deal with this because I can’t keep putting holes in my face every time I get my period. I thought I knew what I wanted. I thought I had my shit figured out. Apparently not. Once and infertile always an infertile.

 

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