Sometimes at night when I’m lying in bed before I fall asleep this terrible feeling washes over me. I feel anxious and sad and panicked. I start feeling like my life is out of control and I’m fucking everything up. I get scared because I don’t know what I’m doing or if I’m making the right life choices. I’m on my own. All by myself, all the time. It’s terrifying.
I realized last night it’s because I’m lonely. Until my ex left I’d never truly been on my own. I’d always had roommates or lived with family. When I was still in the town house I had my sister and her kids with me for a bit. When I lived on Berkley I was too busy to be lonely. I was working two jobs for awhile there. I was at the gym regularly. I was out with my sister and her kids or with Tara. Luke was over a couple nights a week.
It’t strange to realize you’re feeling something you’ve never felt before, especially when it’s not something you’d like to continue feeling. Going to bed alone at night is awful. For four years I fell asleep next to Jeff. We cuddled and rubbed each other’s backs before bed. There’s no one to rub my back before bed any more. It’s a complicated feeling. It’s like physical and emotional pain all at once with no explanation. My stomach feels knotted and I feel panicked and sad and worthless.
The first few times Luke slept over it felt weird and foreign. Now I sleep better when he’s next to me. Unfortunately that isn’t an option the majority of the time. We work opposite shifts and he often has his kids on the weekends… and we’re technically not in a relationship. We shouldn’t be having sleep overs at all… things progress though and I think that’s what’s happening here. He always comes back. He always dives in deeper every time, takes on a little more.
There’s a country song that Bobby from King of the Hill listens to on repeat when Connie breaks up with him or something… something about being so lonesome I could die. I always thought it was a bit dramatic, even for a country song… but I get it. When I’m alone in bed at night with a queen sized bed to myself I legit feel so lonely I could die. I wonder if death would be better than feeling like this. It only lasts an hour or two and then I fall asleep, get up the next morning and rush to get ready, get to work, and start my day. But those last couple hours are the worst. I’m not sure how much longer I can keep this going.