Realizations From The Passenger Seat Of A Car That Isn’t Mine

I drove into Cambridge the other day to meet up with Luke for a bit before he had to head to work. I work in Cambridge, but it’s the half way point between where I currently live and where Luke works. It was last minute and I almost didn’t go. The point of this meet up was purely sexual and I’d just started my period. Ultimately though I do enjoy his company so I went.

There’s a trail that runs along the Grand River that starts on the edge of Galt. There’s a gravel parking lot there for those who are using the trail. As it turns out there isn’t any lighting in said parking lot. When you park your car in the back of the lot, close the the river, you can’t been seen from the street. We met there around 10. I parked beside him, shut my car off and climbed into the passenger side of his Ford Flex.

I remember when he got that car and I mocked him like nobody’s business because I thought they looked dumb. Now that I’ve actually spent time in one I have to say that it’s growing on me. It’s super spacious and nice inside. Not to mention that the sound system is so much better than Frankie’s. He was playing the new Childish Bambino album and I couldn’t believe how good it sounded. It was loud but you could still talk over it. It sounds crisp and clear. Being a music junkie and someone who will probably blow a speaker in her car at some point I was pretty envious.

The thing that really got me though was the picture of him and his three year old daughter behind the steering wheel. I know that he’s super involved in his kids’ lives but I’m pretty sure that little girl is his everything. He has them almost every weekend. He’s at all of the boys’ hockey games and tournaments no matter where they are. He’s protective of her though. He’s shown me pictures but when he talks about her it’s always “my daughter” or “my baby” where as when he talks about the boys he just calls them by name as if I’ve met them. I know he’s a good dad. If he’s not at work or playing hockey or with me he’s with the kids. He’s straight up told me that he literally has one friend who he doesn’t see often because he doesn’t have time. He’s a good dad.

The more time I spend with him and the more I learn about him the more I get attached. I don’t want to date. I don’t want to be on dating sites. I’m content to just hang out with him he has the time. He’s a commitmentphobe though. He gets attached and clingy and then catches himself and runs where I just follow his lead. I play things a little closer to the belt now but the truth is if he wanted something more serious I’d say yes without hesitation. I like being on my own. I like not sharing my bed. I like having my freedom. I also like him though and I also kind of want to meet his kids.

I’m setting myself up for failure and a broken heart. I have a lunch date scheduled for Monday but I already know I’m not interested. I already know there’s no future there. There can’t be if I’m falling in love with my emotionally unavailable, unable to commit, 6’3, beared, baseball hat and thick rimmed glasses wearing super dad, Luke. I’m so fucked.

 

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