Late.

Last week I made fun of our GM, something I do on the regular, for saying ‘Hold Your Horses’ and sounding like a Dad. He and his wife welcomed their first born a couple months ago. He’s a lot like me in the sense that he pretends not to care, is super sarcastic, and too cool for his own good. He takes sounding like a Dad as an insult because it means he’s loosing his edge.

His response was to tell me to just watch because I’ll have a kid of my own soon. I tell him not to jinx me. Not many know that I desperately want to be a mom and am contemplating donor sperm and an iui. This in turn leads to a conversation about deleting my plenty of fish account and joining a club of sorts to meet a decent guy that’s husband/father material. We even changed my relationship status from divorced to single in hopes of attracting the right kind of guy and less of the ones that send me repulsive trash I post on my Instagram. As it turns out, a lot of people are living vicariously through my dating life, my GM included. I guess that’s what happens when you’re one of the only single ones left out of the people you associate with.

My period was late for the first time since I’d started having regular cycles. I normally spot on CD27 and get full flow the next day. The possibility that I was carrying Luke’s illegitimate love child filled me with panic. How is it that my GM makes a joke about me having a kid and a week later my period is late? Not cool GM. Not cool at all.

I felt so conflicted. On one hand, I want a baby. I want to be a mom. I don’t necessarily want to have a baby with someone who doesn’t want one though… or someone who doesn’t want to be in a committed relationship. The thing with Luke is that he’s not seeing or sleeping with someone else. He likes to cuddle and hang out and fool around. He also likes the freedom to do what he wants when he wants. When he thinks he’s going to loose me he gets clingy but when he realizes he’s getting too close to boyfriend territory he freaks out and pulls away.

My period is late. I’m getting weird twinges/pains on my left side, I’m incredibly tired and worn out. How could I tell him I’m having his unwanted kid? He already has three. It’s not like this one is suddenly going to make him want to commit to me. I don’t want to be a part time parent. I’m not sending my kid away every other weekend. I’m not sharing holidays or custody. I’m freaking out.

I start spotting yesterday evening. Today is CD1. I’m not pregnant. I’m crampy and super tired. I cried. As ideal as the situation wouldn’t have been, for 48 hours I thought I was going to be a mom. You panic, but then I assume you get used to the idea, you tell people and rip the band-aid off and then you get excited right? Now that I know it’s not happening I’m upset and disappointed. When I was actively trying I didn’t have regular cycles. I bled all the time so I never really thought there was a chance I’d be pregnant. I’d never experienced a real  two week wait. I’d never gotten my hopes up and had them shatter on the bathroom floor as I reached for the box of tampons.

I said I was giving myself the summer. I plan to stick with it. I guess it just would have been nice to have those plans ruined kind of how life ruins all of my other plans.

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