Past Present Future 

I’m at such an odd place in my life. I’m sure you’ve all been there. It’s that spot where some of your friends are married, some have kids, while others are still single and living for themselves.

 When you get married, take the next step on the ladder, and start trying for kids it completely throws you when your husband leaves out of the blue and files for divorce. I was half way up that ladder and all of a sudden I found myself at the bottom. The real problem is that I’m left to decide if I want to try and climb that same ladder again or pick a whole new ladder. The even bigger problem is that I was actually pretty content with the ladder I was on. I had no idea that it wasn’t stable, that it didn’t actually reach the height I needed too, and that there were cracks. My ladder was damaged goods with a fresh coat of paint. A fresh coat of paint doesn’t fix everything unfortunately. 

A few days ago I spent the night in Toronto with my best friend, something I seem to be doing every three weeks or so now that I’m driving. He had gotten Sam Hunt tickets for my Birthday. I started drinking the moment I walked in the door and didn’t stop until 3am. In my defence he had a glass of Sangria already poured waiting for me. How does one say no to Sangria? I let loose, I partied hard. I didn’t really party or drink that much on my late teens, early twenties. I’m doing things now people my age have typically outgrown. I’m having fun though, enjoying life. 

Two days later I find myself sitting in the grass at a local park, watching kids run and play. I still watch the two boys I used to do full time care for on occasion. Their parents are at a golf tournament today. I also take them to their tee ball games when their parents work late. 

I love these boys like their my nephews, sometimes it’s challenging though. I’m 29 years old, sitting in the grass by myself. I look around and see other families. Single parents, happy couples, new babies, adorable toddlers, proud grandparents. They all look so incredibly happy. I’m sure they assume that I’m just another single mom out with her boys. I know better though. None of these kids are mine. Sure, I brought two of them here. I fed them lunch and put sunscreen on them, but they’re not mine. I didn’t dress them this morning and I won’t be putting them to bed. When I leave this park I’ll be taking them home to their parents. I’ll have a little extra money in my pocket but I’ll be going home to a kid free apartment.

It kills me to know that had things been different I’d be sitting here watching my own toddler play. Had things been different I’d be with my husband and our child enjoying the sun. We’d be descussing dinner options for tonight and which set of grandparents we should visit tomorrow. Then when our little one was all tuckered out he’d carry him up to car and we’d head home. 

It’s not an extravagant life. It’s not partying in downtown Toronto. It’s not drinking vodka soda and eating asiago dip on a patio on Church Street at 12am. It’s not kissing a girl in a bathroom while your friend does something unspeakable in a stall. It’s simple and innocent and significantly cheaper. It’s the life I thought I was supposed to be living right now. 

I’m not sure if I’ll ever meet someone. I’m not sure if I really care to ever be someone’s wife again. One thing is for sure though and that is that I want to be a mother. I’ve been tossing around the idea of being a single mom. I was fully prepared to do it before. Now that enough time has passed and I have my life somewhat together I think it’s time to revisit. 

I’ve decided to take the summer to focus on me and enjoy life. I’ve made the move into this two bedroom affordable apartment. Come the fall I’m going to start saving for donor sperm. I’m giving the universe the summer to set in motion whatever it has planned for me. 

I’m happy with everything I’ve accomplished. I’m loving this new found independent lifestyle.The truth is though that I would trade all of those nights in city for afternoons in the park. So, as Sam Hunt would say, I’m single for the summer. 


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