Realizations From The Passenger Seat Of A Car That Isn’t Mine

I drove into Cambridge the other day to meet up with Luke for a bit before he had to head to work. I work in Cambridge, but it’s the half way point between where I currently live and where Luke works. It was last minute and I almost didn’t go. The point of this meet up was purely sexual and I’d just started my period. Ultimately though I do enjoy his company so I went.

There’s a trail that runs along the Grand River that starts on the edge of Galt. There’s a gravel parking lot there for those who are using the trail. As it turns out there isn’t any lighting in said parking lot. When you park your car in the back of the lot, close the the river, you can’t been seen from the street. We met there around 10. I parked beside him, shut my car off and climbed into the passenger side of his Ford Flex.

I remember when he got that car and I mocked him like nobody’s business because I thought they looked dumb. Now that I’ve actually spent time in one I have to say that it’s growing on me. It’s super spacious and nice inside. Not to mention that the sound system is so much better than Frankie’s. He was playing the new Childish Bambino album and I couldn’t believe how good it sounded. It was loud but you could still talk over it. It sounds crisp and clear. Being a music junkie and someone who will probably blow a speaker in her car at some point I was pretty envious.

The thing that really got me though was the picture of him and his three year old daughter behind the steering wheel. I know that he’s super involved in his kids’ lives but I’m pretty sure that little girl is his everything. He has them almost every weekend. He’s at all of the boys’ hockey games and tournaments no matter where they are. He’s protective of her though. He’s shown me pictures but when he talks about her it’s always “my daughter” or “my baby” where as when he talks about the boys he just calls them by name as if I’ve met them. I know he’s a good dad. If he’s not at work or playing hockey or with me he’s with the kids. He’s straight up told me that he literally has one friend who he doesn’t see often because he doesn’t have time. He’s a good dad.

The more time I spend with him and the more I learn about him the more I get attached. I don’t want to date. I don’t want to be on dating sites. I’m content to just hang out with him he has the time. He’s a commitmentphobe though. He gets attached and clingy and then catches himself and runs where I just follow his lead. I play things a little closer to the belt now but the truth is if he wanted something more serious I’d say yes without hesitation. I like being on my own. I like not sharing my bed. I like having my freedom. I also like him though and I also kind of want to meet his kids.

I’m setting myself up for failure and a broken heart. I have a lunch date scheduled for Monday but I already know I’m not interested. I already know there’s no future there. There can’t be if I’m falling in love with my emotionally unavailable, unable to commit, 6’3, beared, baseball hat and thick rimmed glasses wearing super dad, Luke. I’m so fucked.



This Is Why So Many Introverts End Up In Toxic Relationships — Thought Catalog

Unsplash / Matheus FerreroIntroverts end up in toxic relationships, because they’re capable of taking care of themselves. They don’t need anyone’s help to make money or to clean their apartment or to keep them entertained. But some introverts take this too far and think it’s okay that their partner isn’t around to wipe away their…

via This Is Why So Many Introverts End Up In Toxic Relationships — Thought Catalog

Keep Walking Dude.



My dogs are adorable. This isn’t an opinion, it’s a fact. People are constantly pointing and smiling as they pass by in their cars or stopping us to give them love when we are out for our daily walks. I get it. Swarley is a handsome boy. He’s a pure bread retriever which is one of the most popular dog breeds. Jersey is a retriever cross but she looks like a perma-puppy. Here’s the thing though, when I’m out for a walk with the dogs I don’t want to talk to you. I don’t want to stop and let you love up on my dogs, as much as I know they would appreciate your affection.

I’ve just gotten home from work. I’m tired and hungry and probably have to pee. I’ve just sat in my car for 45 min to an hour depending on traffic. I’m still wearing my business casual clothing. I’m not wearing the proper  shoes for a walk. As soon as I open the door to my apartment Swarley barks in excitement and Jersey starts to whine and cry and howl. It’s painful to listen to.  There isn’t time to change my shoes let alone clothes or pee or grab a snack. Rain or shine, the first thing I do is take the dogs for a walk.

They’ve been cooped up in the apartment all day. They need to pee, they’re excited and balls of energy. Jersey, being only a year, gets so excited to be out that she’s too excited to do her business. Some times after a 30 minute walk she’ll still come home and pee or poop at the front door much to my dismay. Walking two strong dogs can be a challenge. My leash that fastens around my hips is a life saver but they still pull. Cleaning up dog poop while Jersey lunges at nothing because she’s eager to explore is not a fun experience. Swarley wants to sniff at and pee on EVERYTHING. Sometimes he’ll lie down in the grass and refuse to move if he decides he needs more time with a particular spot. Sometimes I feel like we’re stopping more often than we’re walking.

On top of all of that, factor in my anxiety. You know, that thing I take pills for every day? A couple weeks ago we were attacked by a much bigger unleashed dog. I still have a bruise on my leg from the incident. I live on a busy street. Trying to cross it to get to the trail that runs parallel to the stream across from me can be tricky with two excited pups.  Five minutes in we’re usually okay. They’ve gotten over the initial excitement. By the time we’ve gotten to the bridge we cross to get home they’ve stopped pulling and are pretty calm. That’s when we’re back on the street.

Usually this when people stop us. I don’t want to be rude, but I really don’t want to talk to you. I’m tired. My hips and waist hurt from the dogs pulling. I’m hot and sticky and really really really need to pee. I don’t want to be polite. I just want to go home and feed the dogs so I can shower and change and feed myself. My dogs are huggers and Jersey still jumps. (I’m working on it) I don’t want to struggle to control them or apologize for their muddy paws on your clothes.

I know, I’m a huge hypocrite. When a co worker brings their dog into work I get so excited. If I see another golden retriever on the street I’ll strike up a conversation and love up the dog. I’m a sucker for goldens. Just because I love my dogs though doesn’t mean I love all dogs and I most certainly don’t love people. I know, I’m a horrible person, a monster even. Please though, if you see me out with the dogs on a week night, pretend you didn’t.

I’m still adjusting to life on my own as a divorced independent human. It’s stressful, especially with a puppy that is full of sass and attitude who is no where near as easy to train as your 5 year old male retriever was. I’m doing the best I can though. I love my freedom, my independence, my new life, my dogs. It takes a lot of work, but it’s worth it. One day they’ll be easier to walk and perfectly behaved. But until that day comes if the drug abusing needle user down the street could not come up to us on our way home and the douche on the corner could keep his aggressive dog on a leash that would be great.



Last week I made fun of our GM, something I do on the regular, for saying ‘Hold Your Horses’ and sounding like a Dad. He and his wife welcomed their first born a couple months ago. He’s a lot like me in the sense that he pretends not to care, is super sarcastic, and too cool for his own good. He takes sounding like a Dad as an insult because it means he’s loosing his edge.

His response was to tell me to just watch because I’ll have a kid of my own soon. I tell him not to jinx me. Not many know that I desperately want to be a mom and am contemplating donor sperm and an iui. This in turn leads to a conversation about deleting my plenty of fish account and joining a club of sorts to meet a decent guy that’s husband/father material. We even changed my relationship status from divorced to single in hopes of attracting the right kind of guy and less of the ones that send me repulsive trash I post on my Instagram. As it turns out, a lot of people are living vicariously through my dating life, my GM included. I guess that’s what happens when you’re one of the only single ones left out of the people you associate with.

My period was late for the first time since I’d started having regular cycles. I normally spot on CD27 and get full flow the next day. The possibility that I was carrying Luke’s illegitimate love child filled me with panic. How is it that my GM makes a joke about me having a kid and a week later my period is late? Not cool GM. Not cool at all.

I felt so conflicted. On one hand, I want a baby. I want to be a mom. I don’t necessarily want to have a baby with someone who doesn’t want one though… or someone who doesn’t want to be in a committed relationship. The thing with Luke is that he’s not seeing or sleeping with someone else. He likes to cuddle and hang out and fool around. He also likes the freedom to do what he wants when he wants. When he thinks he’s going to loose me he gets clingy but when he realizes he’s getting too close to boyfriend territory he freaks out and pulls away.

My period is late. I’m getting weird twinges/pains on my left side, I’m incredibly tired and worn out. How could I tell him I’m having his unwanted kid? He already has three. It’s not like this one is suddenly going to make him want to commit to me. I don’t want to be a part time parent. I’m not sending my kid away every other weekend. I’m not sharing holidays or custody. I’m freaking out.

I start spotting yesterday evening. Today is CD1. I’m not pregnant. I’m crampy and super tired. I cried. As ideal as the situation wouldn’t have been, for 48 hours I thought I was going to be a mom. You panic, but then I assume you get used to the idea, you tell people and rip the band-aid off and then you get excited right? Now that I know it’s not happening I’m upset and disappointed. When I was actively trying I didn’t have regular cycles. I bled all the time so I never really thought there was a chance I’d be pregnant. I’d never experienced a real  two week wait. I’d never gotten my hopes up and had them shatter on the bathroom floor as I reached for the box of tampons.

I said I was giving myself the summer. I plan to stick with it. I guess it just would have been nice to have those plans ruined kind of how life ruins all of my other plans.

Past Present Future 

I’m at such an odd place in my life. I’m sure you’ve all been there. It’s that spot where some of your friends are married, some have kids, while others are still single and living for themselves.

 When you get married, take the next step on the ladder, and start trying for kids it completely throws you when your husband leaves out of the blue and files for divorce. I was half way up that ladder and all of a sudden I found myself at the bottom. The real problem is that I’m left to decide if I want to try and climb that same ladder again or pick a whole new ladder. The even bigger problem is that I was actually pretty content with the ladder I was on. I had no idea that it wasn’t stable, that it didn’t actually reach the height I needed too, and that there were cracks. My ladder was damaged goods with a fresh coat of paint. A fresh coat of paint doesn’t fix everything unfortunately. 

A few days ago I spent the night in Toronto with my best friend, something I seem to be doing every three weeks or so now that I’m driving. He had gotten Sam Hunt tickets for my Birthday. I started drinking the moment I walked in the door and didn’t stop until 3am. In my defence he had a glass of Sangria already poured waiting for me. How does one say no to Sangria? I let loose, I partied hard. I didn’t really party or drink that much on my late teens, early twenties. I’m doing things now people my age have typically outgrown. I’m having fun though, enjoying life. 

Two days later I find myself sitting in the grass at a local park, watching kids run and play. I still watch the two boys I used to do full time care for on occasion. Their parents are at a golf tournament today. I also take them to their tee ball games when their parents work late. 

I love these boys like their my nephews, sometimes it’s challenging though. I’m 29 years old, sitting in the grass by myself. I look around and see other families. Single parents, happy couples, new babies, adorable toddlers, proud grandparents. They all look so incredibly happy. I’m sure they assume that I’m just another single mom out with her boys. I know better though. None of these kids are mine. Sure, I brought two of them here. I fed them lunch and put sunscreen on them, but they’re not mine. I didn’t dress them this morning and I won’t be putting them to bed. When I leave this park I’ll be taking them home to their parents. I’ll have a little extra money in my pocket but I’ll be going home to a kid free apartment.

It kills me to know that had things been different I’d be sitting here watching my own toddler play. Had things been different I’d be with my husband and our child enjoying the sun. We’d be descussing dinner options for tonight and which set of grandparents we should visit tomorrow. Then when our little one was all tuckered out he’d carry him up to car and we’d head home. 

It’s not an extravagant life. It’s not partying in downtown Toronto. It’s not drinking vodka soda and eating asiago dip on a patio on Church Street at 12am. It’s not kissing a girl in a bathroom while your friend does something unspeakable in a stall. It’s simple and innocent and significantly cheaper. It’s the life I thought I was supposed to be living right now. 

I’m not sure if I’ll ever meet someone. I’m not sure if I really care to ever be someone’s wife again. One thing is for sure though and that is that I want to be a mother. I’ve been tossing around the idea of being a single mom. I was fully prepared to do it before. Now that enough time has passed and I have my life somewhat together I think it’s time to revisit. 

I’ve decided to take the summer to focus on me and enjoy life. I’ve made the move into this two bedroom affordable apartment. Come the fall I’m going to start saving for donor sperm. I’m giving the universe the summer to set in motion whatever it has planned for me. 

I’m happy with everything I’ve accomplished. I’m loving this new found independent lifestyle.The truth is though that I would trade all of those nights in city for afternoons in the park. So, as Sam Hunt would say, I’m single for the summer. 

Settling Into A New City

So I am officially moved and starting to settle into the new place. It’s been interesting, a little bumpy, but long term I know this was the right decision.

The move its self was ok, until the movers tried to scam me out of more money. I had an anxiety attack and my Mom went Mama Bear on their asses. Once they were gone my Mam set up my bedroom and living room. I got internet last Wednesday. I still need to unpack the kitchen… but it’s a cute place with potential.

I had a run in with the downstairs tenant. He approached me while I was in my car at 1:00am the day after I had moved in. He was visibly drunk, drooling, and stumbling in the road. He called me every name under the sun because my dog had been crying while I was out. New place, she needs time to adjust. I would have apologized had he reacted differently. Threatening to call animal control, the city, my step dad (My step uncle lives next door) and getting me evicted seemed like his best course of action. He told me I didn’t have a job, was a crack head, and needed to get back to the city I came from as this is his house… even though he has a separate apartment in a house that’s owned by the city and converted into two units… and that I pay market share rent (full price) while he is subsidized and doesn’t work.

I was in tears and freaking out. Thankfully my step dad came over the next day to talk to him. Apparently he was incredibly sorry and wouldn’t let it happen again. A few days later he apologized to me and admitted that my dogs are very quiet and well behaved. He has three of his own who are super yappy. I ended up getting a free AC unit out of the deal… so go me.

Unfortunately the trouble doesn’t stop there. Yesterday while on our daily walk the dogs and I were attacked by a rottweiler who was not on a leash. He got into it with Swarley. Thankfully my golden is a good boy. He was limping a bit afterwards but other than that we were all ok. It was terrifying and I broke down as soon as I got them home. As a result I’ve booked him in to be neutered July 6th. He’s current on his shots but we just never felt the need to get him done. He’s well behaved, he doesn’t hump. I got Jersey done, but she was a girl. It’s going to cost $300 but hopefully the scary dog on the corner wont feel the need to assert his dominance over my sweet boy after that.

Other than a few set backs though, we’re doing well. I’m enjoying the commute so far, I’m spending more time with my brother, it’s kind of nice to have family so close. I have moments where I get worked up and wonder what I got myself into… but over all once everything is set up I think I made a smart choice. I think I’m happy.