Drowning On The Inside

To say that I am overwhelmed would be an understatement. I’m trying so incredibly hard to keep everything together but it’s proving to be an impossible task. It feels like I find a solution to one problem and then 50 more pop up… like weeds. Some how, some way, I manage to find a way to make it through, but this time I’m not sure if I will.  It always comes down to money.

I made the difficult choice to move in order to be more financially stable. The utilities in my current apartment were bleeding me dry. I was getting deeper into debt with each passing month. Moving isn’t cheap though. It’s a long term solution but provides short term challenges.

I need $1,400 by May 24th for first and last month’s rent. I need $300-$400 to pay for a mover. I also need to purchase furniture and a microwave.

In addition to that I currently owe $500 in back rent on my current apartment. $150 for the last hydro bill. $75 for my past due internet bill, $240 for my past due cell phone bill. I currently have $300 in my account. That isn’t going to get me very far.

It gets better though. The AC isn’t working in my little car. Since I still have 25 000km left on the warranty I ask service to take a look. Turns out there’s about $1000 worth of repairs that need to be done that should have been done after my accident last October. The one that forced me to enter a consumer proposal in order to manage the repairs because insurance wouldn’t cover it… because I was broke and missed payment.  I’ve been driving around for 7.5 months with a shredded S belt, among other things. I drove to and from Montreal, a 7 hour drive one way, thinking my car was in great shape.

So, in a week and a half I’m likely to be homeless and I can’t even live in my car because she’s busted up. I’m at my breaking point. In the grand scheme of things it doesn’t seem like that much but when you don’t have it, and no way of getting it you find your self getting desperate. I’m back to having panic attacks even though I’m still seeing my counselor and taking my anxiety meds. I’m freaking out and on the verge of tears on the regular. I just honestly don’t see an answer as to how to get past this… and that’s just the money side of things.

For those of you who followed me before my divorce you know I’ve had to climb mountains to overcome the mess my former husband left me in. You know how hard I’ve worked and how far I’ve come. I’ve accomplished things I never thought I would. I’m tired though. So so tired. I can’t keep this up. There isn’t enough room in my car for all my stuff and my dogs. I just don’t know what to do but to sit here and cry.

When it rains, it pours.

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2 thoughts on “Drowning On The Inside

  1. Unfortunately, I don’t really have encouraging words to let you know that you will get the money you need and be able to resolve all your issues by your deadlines. But, I empathize with what you are going through as I am going through similar struggles right now and seem to be heading in your direction. Just want to let you know to keep your head up, it’s not easy and a solution may not be in sight right now, but just keep trying. I’m new to your blog, so don’t know your full divorce story, but I assume that you living and surviving on your own is better than living in the mess your husband left you in. Therefore the struggle is all worth it. Keep going, things our bound to take a turn – wishing you the best.

    Liked by 1 person

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