Out with the old and in with the new?

I picked Luke up last night after work. His car was in the shop and he happened to be close to my work. His mom could have gotten him but I was close by and it meant we could spend some time together.

Being a new driver at 28 makes me nervous to drive with more experienced drivers in my passenger seat. I find that given my new driver status people love to be back seat drivers and are more critical of my driving. I’m much more confident about my abilities when I’m alone in the car or have my 15 year old brother in the passenger seat. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a confident driver, I just hate judgey people. Picking up Luke in my little car was nerve wracking. Once he was in my car though and we were headed back to my place it was fine. I voiced my concerns and he assured me that he didn’t have a negative comment to make about my driving abilities.

I love how comfortable he is at my place. He just crawls into my bed, makes him self at home. I cooked dinner and baked cookies while he slept. After dinner we both crawled into bed and watched tv and cuddled… as we do. He ended up calling in sick so he could spend more time with me. As we lay there, him snoring, I couldn’t help but feel guilty for having another man in the bed my former husband and I bought together for our first place, on the mattress we bought with wedding money. Everyone assures me it’s fine and I’m crazy but I think I might need to buy a new bed.

Finally around 2:30am we decided to take him home. He was willing to stay but he needed to stay up late to keep on a proper sleep schedule for night shift and I desperately needed to sleep as I had to be at work for 9am. We get outside and I hand him the keys to my beloved Frankie, something I NEVER do. No one drives my baby but me… and apparently Luke. He has this cute joke about her not being his “Forte”.

Why am I babbling about this? I cooked dinner for another man. I’m intimate with another man. I fall asleep next to him. I bake him cookies. I sat in the passenger seat of my car with my hand on his thigh while he drove us back to his place. I did all of these things… with someone who was not my former husband. It feels good and right at the time, but then when I have time to contemplate it I feel like a cheating whore who has betrayed my husband… Even though he left me. He chose a race car over me. He decided he was better off with his parents than he was starting a family and having a life with me.

After my former husband had left, before Luke was in the picture, he had gotten frustrated with me while I was pleading with him to come home. He actually had the audacity to call me a fat cock sucking whore. I’ve never told anyone that before. I don’t know why but it stuck with me. Is that really what I am? I’d lost a ton of weight, I was incredibly loyal to him, and even counting Luke into my numbers I can still count the number of men I’ve been with on one hand and have room to spare. I don’t know why this comment hurts so much, but it still does, even now. He is the type of guy that everyone has a soft spot for. Your typical nice guy. They type of guy you wouldn’t think had a mean bone in his body.

I came out looking like the villain to all his friends and family. That’s difficult for me. I’m not the villain to Luke though. I’m just that sweet girl who bakes a mean cookie and is the creator of his new favourite pasta dish. I’m the girl that picks him up and takes him home at 2:30am even though I’m super sleepy. I’m not sure if these things count for anything but I’m hopeful they will. I’m feeling pretty hopeful about a lot lately.

 

 

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3 thoughts on “Out with the old and in with the new?

  1. I don’t think you should feel guilty at all. You’re not doing anything wrong.
    I need to tell you, that people who are emotionally/verbally abusive will do whatever they can to bring down and devastate the people around them, ESPECIALLY the person they are in a relationship with. (Or were with.) I was in a relationship like that, and when I told him I was leaving him things got worse. It was a bad situation, I actually told him I would give him a month to get his shit together and start treating me with respect and stayed in the house, though slept in the guest room. He went back and forth between trying to be sweet to get me to stay, and being vicious and destructive both to me and to our house. But the biggest thing he said that will stick with me always, and has affected me in more ways than I care to admit, was when he said “You were never much to look at, but I still loved you anyway.” That absolutely crushed my self esteem, not that I had a lot to begin with, but I think about that comment constantly. While I know that he was an asshole and was just trying to hurt me…I’ve never thought I was pretty, and that just put the nail in the coffin for me. I still think I’m ugly, no matter what anyone says to me differently. (That happened about 18 years ago, btw.)
    So while I can sit here and say “don’t let him get to you” or “just ignore anything mean he says”…I would be a hypocrite. People say things that hurt us to our core, and we CAN’T always get past it and let it go. But I will say do your best to work past the things he’s done to you. I’m so proud of you for everything you’ve done so far, please keep up the good work! *hugs*

    Liked by 1 person

  2. we’ve all done stupid shit for guys that didn’t deserve it – the truth is you are just a person who wants to share your life with someone nothing wrong with that – it’s just hard to find one in the sea of assholes lol

    Liked by 1 person

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