Jersey ūüíú’s Luke

Any one who knows me knows how important my dogs are to me. If my dogs don’t like you then I’m sorry but we can’t be friends. Luckily my dogs are pretty friendly and basically love everyone. That is especially true if you have food or the capability to give them love. 

Swarley will take love from anyone and everyone. He gets his love then he lies on the floor at your feet. Jersey is a mama’s girl though. If I leave her with Tara she’ll bark or cry until I come back. If given the choice she’ll always come to me first… until now apparently. 

Jersey loves Luke. She climbs up on top of him, she gets up in his face. She refuses to leave him alone. Saturday night he spent  a good half an hour giving her attention before even touching me. My little girl who is normally attached to my hip goes bananas when she sees him walk up the driveway. When he’s here it’s like I’m non existent. She doesn’t even listen to me. 

Part of me finds it endearing. It’s a good thing that they click. Another part of me thinks that my little girl is a traitor! I wonder if this was how my former husband felt with Swarley, our Golden Retriever. We bought him together, and he clearly loved us both, but he was my boy. My former husband would get so frustrated when the dog would only listen to me. 

This is a step in the right direction though. I can’t have a future with someone my dogs don’t like. We’re kind of a package deal. I’m not sure if a future with Luke is in the cards but for now I’ll take it. 

Advertisements

If Looks Could Kill 

It was unseasonably warm yesterday. I wore this navy flowy boho style off the shoulder dress that came to my knees and a pair of brown boots. I put extra effort into my makeup. I looked good. I felt good. 


When I have these days where I feel like appearance wise I’ve brought my A game, I like to make the most of it. I drove to Brantford to see my mom, I went to Kitchener to take out my niece, and then to wrap it all up, Luke came over. And of course he tells me that I look pretty.  

I’m on this kick right now where I’m trying to put my best foot forward. Looking better, feeling better, making myself happier. So far so good. 

Side note, Luke told me last night sometimes he doesn’t come over because I don’t have cable. When I tell him that I can come to his place he says no, your place is always cleaner and you have better snacks. Stangely enough this made me feel prettt decent too.

Girl’s Day¬†

I took my adorable five year old niece out this afternoon. We went to Starbucks where she enjoyed her first cake pop, then a little shopping, and then a quick bite to eat before taking her home. Words can not describe how much I love this little dinosaur.

Puppy Love 


Today we went to the vet! Nothing out of the ordinary, just some boosters. Nothing to write home about. 


Swarley, my soon to be six year old golden retriever, weighs 44lbs. 


Jersey, my now one year old retriever shepherd lab cross weighs 25lbs. 

They did so well! They were incredibly well behaved, took their shots like champs, and has impeccable manners. I always get compliments on how good looking they are. I was super nervous taking them both at the same time. Being on my own and having two strong dogs can be nerve wrecking. It was great though! 

How my former husband could walk away from the most handsome retriever on the planet is beyond me. It just baffles me and almost breaks my heart. 

Out with the old and in with the new?

I picked Luke up last night after work. His car was in the shop and he happened to be close to my work. His mom could have gotten him but I was close by and it meant we could spend some time together.

Being a new driver at 28 makes me nervous to drive with more experienced drivers in my passenger seat. I find that given my new driver status people love to be back seat drivers and are more critical of my driving. I’m much more confident about my abilities when I’m alone in the car or have my 15 year old brother in the passenger seat. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a confident driver, I just hate judgey people.¬†Picking up Luke in my little car was nerve wracking. Once he was in my car though and we were headed back to my place it was fine. I voiced my concerns and he assured me that he didn’t have a negative comment to make about my driving abilities.

I love how comfortable he is at my place. He just crawls into my bed, makes him self at home. I cooked dinner and baked cookies while he slept. After dinner we both crawled into bed and watched tv and cuddled… as we do. He ended up calling in sick so he could spend more time with me. As we lay there, him snoring, I couldn’t help but feel guilty for having another man in the bed my former husband and I bought together for our first place, on the mattress we bought with wedding money. Everyone assures me it’s fine and I’m crazy but I think I might need to buy a new bed.

Finally around 2:30am we decided to take him home. He was willing to stay but he needed to stay up late to keep on a proper sleep schedule for night shift and I desperately needed to sleep as I had to be at work for 9am. We get outside and I hand him the keys to my beloved Frankie, something I NEVER do. No one drives my baby but me… and apparently Luke. He has this cute joke about her not being his “Forte”.

Why am I babbling about this? I cooked dinner for another man. I’m intimate with another man. I fall asleep next to him. I bake him cookies. I sat in the passenger seat of my car with my hand on his thigh while he drove us back to his place. I did all of these things… with someone who was not my former husband. It feels good and right at the time, but then when I have time to contemplate it I feel like a cheating whore who has betrayed my husband… Even though he left me. He chose a race car over me. He decided he was better off with his parents than he was starting a family and having a life with me.

After my former husband had¬†left, before Luke was in the picture, he had gotten frustrated with me while I was pleading with him to come home. He actually had the audacity to call me a fat cock sucking whore. I’ve never told anyone that before. I don’t know why but it stuck with me. Is that really what I am? I’d lost a ton of weight, I was incredibly loyal to him, and even counting Luke into my¬†numbers¬†I can still count the number of men I’ve been with on one hand and have room to spare. I don’t know why this comment hurts so much, but it still does, even now. He is the type of guy that everyone has a soft spot for. Your typical nice guy. They type of guy you wouldn’t think had a mean bone in his body.

I came out looking like the villain to all his friends and family. That’s difficult for me. I’m not the villain to Luke though. I’m just that sweet girl who bakes a mean cookie and is the creator of his new favourite pasta dish. I’m the girl that picks him up and takes him home at 2:30am even though I’m super sleepy. I’m not sure if these things count for anything but I’m hopeful they will. I’m feeling pretty hopeful about a lot lately.

 

 

The End Of The Book

I received an e-mail today from my former husband’s lawyer informing me that he was paying out the loan on our ford focus. That means that as of this afternoon there will be nothing tying us together. He would also prefer to give me cash instead of doing the agreed upon work on the bumper of my Forte. His lawyer also informed me that he plans ¬†to discuss what his client wants to do about his personal belongings that are still in my possession this afternoon. It was his hope that we’d have a resolution shortly.

That’s everything, aside from the court sending our divorce papers back signed. This is bittersweet for me. Betty, the ford focus, was the biggest purchase I had ever made at the time. I made every payment on time. I took care of her. I was proud of that car and now she’s officially gone. I have no claim to her and nothing to show for it. As frustrated and angry as I get about him and the situation we are in you can’t help but love him, just a little bit. It’s hard not to think back to the good parts. When I’m being realistic about things I know that I wouldn’t have what I have now, I wouldn’t have grown into the person I am if it weren’t for this experience. I have a great job, my own place, a drivers license and a pretty great car. I’ve lost weight, my anxiety in under control. I’m not sure why I feel the need to convince myself this is a good thing.

It’s difficult not to think about where I should be. I should still be in the townhouse. I should have a one year old baby. I should have a daycare business. At this very moment I should be cooking dinner for my husband who would be on his way home from work. Instead I am sitting behind a desk, typing this entry¬†while I putting in a little extra time at my job. Instead of wearing yoga pants and my hair pulled into a messy bun I’m wearing a cute plaid shirt/dress with leggings and boots. My hair is left down. I look decent, I’m interacting and joking around with salesman. Later I’ll go home and tend to the dogs, then hit the gym with my sister or Luke will come over and we’ll fool around.

My life is basically the polar opposite of what it was two years ago and how I envisioned it to be today. I miss cooking dinner for him. I miss watching Jeopardy and trying to answer the questions first. I miss back rubs in bed. I don’t miss being put on the back burner though. I don’t miss being treated poorly by people who are suppose to care about me. I don’t miss a race car being prioritized over me. I don’t miss being made to feel guilty any time I needed to stand up for my self. I don’t miss spending my birthdays or our anniversaries sitting on his parent’s couch while he worked on his race car. I don’t miss feeling like I wasn’t good enough. Things weren’t awful, and in my opinion not worth a divorce. They weren’t great though either. I didn’t fit in with his family. They couldn’t welcome me in the same way mine welcomed him. I wasn’t the daughter in law they hoped for.

I’m not that girl. I’m not the girl who can keep quiet and do as I’m told. I’m not the girl who bites her tongue. I’m sarcastic and witty and strong willed. I’m impatient and determined. I’m loyal though and have a difficult time saying no to the people I care about. I love strongly and care deeply. I give it my all and I don’t stop until I’ve exhausted every option. I’m kind and caring and until my former husband’s family I had never met a parent who didn’t love me. I guess that should have been a good warning sign.

I don’t know where I’m going with this entry or how to end it. I’m relieved that it’s done. Disappointed that it came to this. Sad it couldn’t end on better terms. Frustrated that¬†it couldn’t be fixed. ¬†Heartbroken that he couldn’t be a better man. It’s difficult to stop loving someone. I still love him. I think to some degree I always will. I’m happy and ready to move forward though. To live life to the fullest and ¬†enjoy it. I’m excited to see where things go with Luke, or maybe even someone else. I’m excited to be a mom at some point. I’m ready.

If you’re out there though, somewhere… I miss my best friend. I’m terrified that I always will.

Firsts

img_6411

I have started, stopped, deleted, and re-written this entry about five times since Saturday. Initially I was going to write about my impossibly challenging week last week. How I was so over everything that I actually left work early on Friday. How almost every aspect of my life was in conflict. How my former husband is destroying all of the confidence I’ve gained and hard work I’ve done to rebuild after he left. The more time I put between myself and last week though the easier it is to realize how unimportant it was in the grand scheme of things.

When it comes to my former husband, I need to be done with him. No friendship, no contact, no chances for him to weasel his way back into my life. Every time we need to handle something he throws a hissy fit, his lawyers get mean, and I regress. I become a stressed out emotional mess. I loose my ability to be smart and reasonable and rational. I get anxious and worked up. I cry and wish he’d come home. When I put a little distance between him, myself, and our ongoing divorce though I start to remember who I am, or who I’ve become. ¬†I’m reminded that I’m doing so much better without him. I’m reminded that he is not capable of being the man I need or deserve. I am reminded that there are better men out there. I get a little clarity. That’s exactly what happened this time, thankfully.

Luke came over on the weekend and if I’m being honest, he was exactly what I needed. His cuddle game is strong. I’m not sure if it’s just that he’s a big buy and I’m so small, or if it’s chemistry but he feels safe. He’s 6’2, broad shoulders, big hands, arms, feet. I suppose anyone would feel safe cuddled into that. Before Luke, before my former husband left, sex was how I got my frustrations out and would unwind. It was the one aspect of my life where I could just let go and not need to be in control. Sure, sex with Luke is great and I certainly have a need, want, and desire for it… but it’s different. We don’t have sex every time we’re together, which I think says a lot considering we don’t live together. Nights where we curl up together in bed watching television seem to be becoming fairly common.

Before I got married smoking weed, or eating sandwiches as I like to call it, was something I did recreationally a few times a week. Socially of course. It wasn’t something my former husband really approved of. I loved him more than I did sandwiches so I stopped. As it turns out, Luke enjoys the occasional sandwich on the weekend. We’d been discussing sharing a sandwich and then fooling around for a few months now but hadn’t gotten around to it. Until this weekend.

If I could say anything about this experience it’s that is was a good life choice. For the longest time I just cuddled into Luke and played with his chest hair. Eventually he turned my TV off and started to kiss me. Everything just felt heightened. Every time he touched me I felt like I needed to catch my breath. He has more experience than I do so he often takes the lead. It’s normally pretty good but this was next level. I’m not sure if he just brought his A game or if it was the sandwich but I’d never felt like this before. By the time we were done I was mush. It was like I had melted into my mattress. I couldn’t move or speak or function. I may have left nail marks on the arm he had wrapped around me. That good.

That was my clarity. In that moment I had a very important first. A first that everyone should experience. A first that people experience on a regular basis. It was something that I had started to believe didn’t actually exist. How could I be a little over a month shy of 29 and have never experienced this before? How could I possibly have willingly committed my entire life to a man who was clearly never going to be able to give me that experience? It was the motive I needed to close the book on my former husband. If he were to come back I would never have that again.

When sharing my new experience with a close friend she just laughed at me. After all the pain he had caused, all the stress and grief he provided, she told me that this orgasm, my first, should make the divorce and the last two years of hell worth it. She was right. You’d think that being 28 and divorced that I’d be all out of firsts. Luke seems to be opening up a whole bunch of doors for me though. Six months ago I didn’t think this was going any where. Luke was a friend with benefits, a rebound to get my mind off of my former husband, a distraction from the chaos that was my life. The more time we spend together the more things evolve. It’s slow going, and I’ve never been one to be patient but I think we might be on the right track to something. At the very least, he’s a good reminder of what I’ve been missing out on!

 

 

OVER MY DEAD DUCKING BODY BRO

Please excuse this post. It is basically me, ranting and freaking out. It is not up to my regular standard and I apologize in advance.

 

My douche canoe of an ex husband has stopped communicating with me. Why you ask? I asked him to pick up his stuff. When he failed to do so I contacted his lawyer to inform him that I had yet to receive proof of payment on our joint car loan, he hadn’t made an effort to repair my bumper or pick up his belongings as he agreed to do in the papers his bully of a lawyer made me sign. The latest news in this ridiculous saga is as follows:

I have been instructed to move his stuff to my front porch 30 minutes before he wants to pick them up. I am then required to vacate the premises for an hour so that he can stop by and pick things up to avoid any possible conflict.

Seriously? If this real life? So you’re telling me that you’re going to leave me in a house I can’t afford with a shit ton of bills I can’t afford which in turn puts me in debt and destroys my credit. Because I can no longer afford to do so I am forced to close my home daycare leaving multiple families to scramble to find alternate care. I had to find a new home, a new job and ended up needing counselling because of the emotional turmoil you put me through. And now, after all that you want to have the convenience of picking up your stuff without having to do any of the shit you legally promised to do in order to get me to agree to signing off on your stupid divorce?

Fuck you Buddy. Straight up, fuck you. I hope you sincerely enjoy living out the rest of your days in your parents basement with your dick in your hand. I am so much better off without you. Sure, I’m devastated that I’m no longer on track for a baby but leaving me was the GREATEST thing you have ever done for me. Take that car I paid for and shove it up your ass. Seriously? Done. So fucking done. At this point I’d rather set your stuff on fire than give it back to you. I also sincerely hope your cheating brother and his pathetic girlfriend find this blog too. This time I genuinely have nothing to loose¬†by voicing my opinions and frustrations. At least last time when your mom crossed the line I was kind and avoided trash talking about how horrible she was. I was respectful when she was not. You let your entire family drag me down and destroy our marriage though, with your help of course.

Grow up and play nice. Clearly your parents didn’t raise a proper man. They raised a self centered coward who lacks a back bone.

Just A Moment Of Weakness


They say that doing too much too fast can have more of a negative impact than a positive one. You need to set a steady pace that you can comfortably adhere too without burning out. Life doesn’t always give you that luxury though. Sometimes it throws everything it has at you and you just need to roll with it. 

I am finding that I can’t be on my game and positive twenty four seven. I had a feeling that I was about to hit a wall sooner or later. I’d caught a cold I had been trying to battle. I’ve been babysitting more frequently, been super busy at work, and not getting enough sleep. I’m trying to wrap things up and have my former husband pick up his personal belongings I’ve been storing and to top it off I haven’t seen or heard from Luke is five days. 

I don’t want to be concerned. This is just what he does. He always resurfaces in no more than a week.  After coming from the circus that was my marriage ending though it’s hard to not have trust issues. It’s challenging to not be worried that I’m being lead on just like I was before. To make matters worse I just admitted to myself that I’ve caught feelings for him. He gives me a bloody orange for god’s sake, makes me swoon over his adorableness and then goes MIA. Great timing. 

I’ve been down and out. I miss Luke. I miss being married. I’m hurt and angry and sad that my former husband doesn’t need to take ownership or responsibility for what he’s done. I feel like I’m loosing it. I’m so incredibly lost. 

Last night I came home from work, pulled into my driveway, turned the car off, and just sat there and cried. An hour and a half later I mustered up the strength to go inside. There I brought the dogs in bed with me and fell asleep with my clothes and all the lights on while listening to True Crime Garage. 

Today though I came home and made chicken breast. I sat in the living room. I did all the dishes. I was okay. I’m not sure what tomorrow will bring but for now I think I’m ok.