And so it begins

What feels like a life time ago and at the same time like it was yesterday I was happily married. Well, at least somewhat happily married. I was blogging about the ups and downs of trying to conceive and the heartbreak that was infertility. That isn’t my life anymore.

Now, I am the only human occupant of a four bedroom town home I can barely afford. The town home I signed a lease on with my husband. The town home where we would eventually find out we were going to be parents in. The town home that we’d one day bring our first baby home too. The town home I started running a home day care in so that I could be home to raise our children while still bringing in an income. A town home that held so much hope and so many dreams now holds so much pain and heart break that I can’t seem to escape.

I have a job outside of the house now. I get up every morning, pretend all is well for 8 hours than come home to a cold and lonely house. Sure, I have the dogs but they are awful cuddlers and unfortunately cannot carry on a conversation. I used to cook every night. I’d sit down with my husband and watch wheel of fortune and jeopardy while we ate. We used to watch the news while rubbing each other’s backs in bed. There isn’t anyone to cook for now though. No one to guess the answers to jeopardy with. No one to rub my back before bed.

I’m fighting what is probably a loosing battle to save my marriage. I’m fighting for my husband to come home. I’m fighting for my life back. It’s so hard to let go though. Nothing about this makes sense or is rational. It feels like I was handed the short end of the stick.  I feel so incredibly lost that I don’t know what way is up. I don’t know how to move forward. I;’ struggling to stay afloat. Sometimes I feel like it would be easier to walk away and never look back. Leave the house, the bills, the dogs. Leave him the mess he left to clean up. Walk away from it all. The more I think about it though, the more I just want him to come back. Hold me in his arms and tell me it was all a mistake.

Never in my life have I ever intentionally typed the word ducking into my iPhone. Maybe that’s just life making a joke at my expense. Since sharing my hurt feels about a family member’s betrayal on a blog is what got me here in the first place I had decided to never write again. Then I got to thinking. They can take away my happiness, my husband, the love of my life, but why should they get to quiet me too? Why should I loose myself entirely and get nothing in return? So here it goes… Let’s rebuild life.